Bedediah started his journey to college with a heart full of hope. As he was leaving, his strong, resourceful mother who had read all of the guidelines for moving into college, gave him tips, which he mostly ignored.
“Make sure to pack strategically! Hang your hanging clothes before you get there! Pack an extra change of clothes just in case you have zero time to access your other clothes! Obtain a storage unit!”
“Oh mom, I know all that already.” Bedediah said, lying.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Bedediah’s mom inquired.
“Of course not, mom. I’m a man now. A man’s gotta go to college alone.”
“Are you sure the roof of your car is the bast place to keep your most essential items? That doesn’t really seem like packing strategically.”
“Moooom. I’ve seen the AllState commercials. That’s empirical evidence. There’s no way that stuff is are moving.”
“Well, alright.” His mom looked at him, sniffling.
Bedediah hugged his mother, and stiffly lifted his latex clad leg into the car.
“Are you sure that’s what you want to wear? I’m pretty sure the move-in guide said to dress comfortably.”
The setting sun glinted off of Bedediah’s shiny latex jumpsuit. “I may not be comfortable, but I am fabulous, and that’s always more important.”
“Well, I suppose. Goodbye sweetie. Good Luck.”
But Bedediah had already sped away, his passport, social security card, and all of his freshly bought textbooks blowing off the roof of his Sedan in the breeze.
At one point on Bedediah’s college journey, he made a quick visit to a rest stop. At this stop, someone had foolishly left a 12-foot tall incredibly lifelike statue of United States senator, Ben Sasse. Bedediah just had to have it, but he didn’t have space.
He examined the contents of his car and realized that could get rid of his many cleaning products, winter clothes, and storage containers. Nothing, if not a humanitarian, Bedediah dumped his cleaning products in a nearby river (it looked dirty), put his clothes at various points along the highway (what if someone got cold as they were driving down I-29?) and gave his storage containers to a family of raccoons (They looked confused).
Bedediah consolidated what he had left, the essential essentials if you will. His laptop, his fish tank, his fireworks, and now, his 12-foot tall incredibly lifelike statue of Ben Sasse.
Bedediah finally arrived at college in the middle of the night. He didn’t really know what his check in time was supposed to be, but 2 am seemed like a good time. No crowd to fight, ya know? Bedediah had not checked his information before arriving at college, so he wasn’t really sure what dorm was his. There was only one thing to do: go to all the different dorms and halls to determine which hall was his. When he went to the front doors of the different dorms, to his surprise, no one was there to check him in! Unfortunately, Bedediah had not brought a toolkit, so he had to use his own body as a battering ram to break through the front doors.
After about the sixth dorm, Bedediah was feeling a bit dazed, but still determined. Finally, he found a door with his name on it, and he began breaking down the final door. Since he had not examined the contents of his dorm room before going up to his room, he had not realized that a 12-foot tall incredibly lifelike statue of Ben Sasse was already provided, and there was certainly not enough space in the dorm room for two 12 foot tall incredibly lifelike statues of Ben Sasse.
Bedediah was upset, but, a natural optimist, he continued hoping for the best. He went downstairs to grab the rest of his stuff. Bedediah struggled with knowing how to pack strategically–an issue that came to a head when he went to retrieve his laptop and fish tank.
After he had properly grieved his water-saturated laptop and his electrocuted fish, Bedediah returned to his room. When he returned, he discovered that his roommate, who brought a 12-foot-tall statue of Deb Fischer, had arrived.
As he stood in awkward silence with his roommate, Bedediah realized he was hungry. Unfortunately, he had unstrategically packed his snacks (Fig Newtons, the only appropriate snack) with his firecrackers. The Fig Newtons had been ground to a fine powder so much so that that they were indistinguishable from the explosive powder that resided inside the firecrackers. In an uncharacteristic move, Bedediah decided not to take his chances.
Exhausted, hungry, and stressed, Bedediah began gnawing at his latex jumpsuit, curled up into a ball, and fell asleep with statue Ben Sasse watching over him.
When he awoke, Bedediah’s firecrackers were gone (they were apparently illegal), the provided statue of Ben Sasse had fallen over and created a hole in the wall (If only he had brought his tools!), and his roommate was peeved.
Bedediah sighed. If only he had listened to his mother, used any sort of common sense, and brought his smaller (still incredibly lifelike) statue of Ben Sasse from home. College was going to be rough.
Now unfortunately, Bedediah is not real, and if he was real, I don’t think it would be possible to have a college move-in as disastrous as his. Of course, I would recommend knowing your check in time, leaving your illegal items at home and bringing a family member with you. But as for those other things, if you don’t have them exactly figured out, they’re going to be okay.
The cool thing about Concordia is you’ve got a lot of really lovely people who want you to be here, and make you feel welcome. So even if you maybe don’t bring tools, or you don’t read the instruction manual super thoroughly, you’ll be okay. The world will not end. I experienced my fair share of mishaps when I was moving in (I used command strips where I wasn’t supposed to->I now have to pay a fine for the paint that was stripped from my wall. I did not measure my window to check how long my curtain rods were supposed to be->my roommate and I now have two curtain rods we don’t know exactly what to do with), but I am still alive (albeit with less paint, and more curtain rods) and equipped with stories I can use to help other people.
Be smart, use common sense, and I guess, wear your latex jumpsuit if it feels right.