One Email to trump them all

Published by Brooke 1 year ago on Fri, Feb 10, 2023 4:00 PM

Unless you are dating someone or you're really trying to focus on yourself right now, you've probably filled out the CUNE Cupid survey. The first step after filling out the survey is of course sending your match an email, and if you know anything about love, you know that sending a perfect email is critical. For some, this might be a little nerve wrecking, but for you, that doesn’t have to be the case because I’ve provided this perfect form email that you can copy and paste and use to your advantage. Good luck out there lovebirds!  

 

To whom it may concern,

Let’s get right to it. I’m looking to fall in love, and according to science and Neal of the computer club, you’re a viable option for fulfilling that goal. I’ll structure this like any old business negotiation, because that is what love is all about I’ve heard.  

 

What I would like from you: 

1. Money you will pay for things, like coffee, gas, college tuition, my bail if/when I ever do eventually get to prison.  

2.Gifts  Eventually, I hope that you know me well enough to get me the gifts that (which I will reveal to you through gradual conversation and interaction) are very important to me. 

3.Inside Jokes  Rapport is a requirement. I’m confident that eventually, you will laugh at all of my jokes and you will also be kind of funny, just not as funny as me. Remember that time with that hot dog stand and that crazy old lady with the parakeet in a cowboy hat? HA. Don’t worry about it if you don’t get it now. You will. You’ll have to.  

4.Romance I would like to be simultaneously swept off my feet and floored at how much you are in love with me. So, uh…figure that out I guess.  

5.Interpersonal Skills Be adept at making anyone important to me also fall in love with you. Not in a romance way, but like a platonic way. And not like in an excessively platonic way, but like a distantly platonic way. Still with me? Great. Buy them gifts and stuff but not enough gifts to make it awkward. Listen to their problems, but not enough that you don’t have time to listen to my problems. Be a good person to them, but like, not too good. 

6.A sense of fulfillment You will love almost every single one of my quirks. You will not love the ones that are annoying to other people/not advantageous to me. You will tell me gently and kindly how people do not always love how much I talk about the state of the economy or the fact that I got this haircut now makes me in my Mullet Era. You will do this so I can tell my single friends, with a faraway look in my eyes, ( that they just won’t understand because they’re not in love) “I don’t know, he just makes me better.”  

7.Big goals Do things I can be proud of. You don’t have to have a doctorate or Bezos amounts of money, but definitely be on that track. Be ambitious, but don’t let this ambition get in the way of points 1,2, or 4.  

8.Skills Juggle, play an instrument, help an old woman cross the street, preferably be able to do all three of these things at once.   
 

What I can offer: 

 

This is where you would write your various skills and abilities as well as level of commitment. Make sure they know that  your commitment level is completely contingent upon how much they can offer you. If they can achieve the accomplishment of your love, then you must WOW them. Here are some skills that you can write, and then achieve later, once you fall in love: (working knowledge of quantum mechanics, ability to run a three minute mile, fluent in at least five languages, have a minimum of 10k instagram followers, own a successful startup that you actually started when you were like 12, cured a debilitating disease) Pick at least two of these and *fingers crossed* you should be good to go. 

 

*ahem* In addition to my many other skills, there are my emotional skills and emergency preparedness skills, which I think we can all agree, exist.  
 

Things I can give to you:  

 
 1.Attention, if you’re into that I will pay attention to you, but not enough that it is smothering or spooky. It’s like you’ll feel loved, but you also won’t even know I’m there.  

2.Baked Goods People like those! I think! You are people! You’ll have to like them too! They're not baked by me of course, that would be too much work.

3.Marriage certificate: We both know what we’re here for. Why not just nip singleness in the bud and get married right now.  

4.Divorce lawyer: Even though I do trust God and the sanctity of this survey, stats tell me that 50% of marriages end in divorce, so, just know that I’m truly ready for anything. 

 

There ya have it! If I interest you, we can nail down the details over the dinner you have bought me, or the baked goods I will deliver to you. Here’s to a life of love, laughter, and lots of negotiation.  

 

Cordially? Romantically? Idk, you decide *wink*

*your name here*