An Important Transitional Stage--
Transitions are tough. Whether your child is leaving for school or living at home while attending classes, it’s an adjustment.
Emotions are bound to be mixed. For many parents, the “I want them to stay forever young” feelings often do battle with the “Yes, they really need to grow up and go to school now” thoughts. That’s completely natural. After all, this person is a big part of your life. And that doesn’t have to change. What will change is the frequency of your communication and the nature of that communication. You won’t be able to see every part of your student’s life. You’ll need to trust your child’s instincts and the positive values you
instilled in them. This trust is key to making the college transition work for both of you.
Emotions are bound to be mixed. For many parents, the “I want them to stay forever young” feelings often do battle with the “Yes, they really need to grow up and go to school now” thoughts. That’s completely natural. After all, this person is a big part of your life. And that doesn’t have to change. What will change is the frequency of your communication and the nature of that communication. You won’t be able to see every part of your student’s life. You’ll need to trust your child’s instincts and the positive values you
instilled in them. This trust is key to making the college transition work for both of you.
When your children head to college, it doesn’t mean that they are leaving you behind. They still need you. your wisdom, your counsel and your love. They just need you
in different ways now. For instance:
in different ways now. For instance:
- They Need You to Let Go. It’s difficult for a student to start making their own life
at college if their “old life” keeps pulling them back. So, let go to the extent that your
conversations contain a balanced mixture of what’s happening on campus and
what’s happening at home. And try not to do everything for your student – the experience of figuring some things out on their own can be a real strength-builder. - They Need to Be Able to Make Mistakes. Part of exploring this newfound sense of independence involves the inevitable making of mistakes. A student who is terrified of “screwing up” in their parent’s eyes may not take some positive risks such as tackling a new academic subject or trying out for the swim team. Students need
support as they take risks. And risks most often lead to growth. - They Need to Know That You Believe in Them. As your student tries new things, expands their worldview and questions assumptions, their perspective may change. Successful students are able to experiment like this because, at the root of it all, they know that someone back home believes in them – in their intelligence, their initiative and their ability to make good decisions.
A students who feels trusted by parents:
- have more self-confidence
- can stand up for their beliefs
- know they have support back home
- are better able to say “no” when the situation warrants
A student who feels mistrusted by parents:
- may defy authority because it’s expected
- won’t communicate about what’s happening at
college - will look to others, some who will be good
influences and others who won’t be, for support - will keep secrets that could be harmful
Interested But Not Intrusive
Just because your student is at school, it doesn’t mean that they no longer need you
to be involved in their life. It’s important for you to be involved – it’s actually quite essential to their success! The key is being interested in what’s happening in their life without being too
intrusive. Some ways to do just that are:
- don’t make conversations feel like “quizzes” ask your student what they are learning in class instead of always focusing on grades
- if your student mentions a new person’s name, just casually ask about that person (“So, Sam is a friend from…?”) rather than drilling for details
- balance your communication by not always making it about them – share what’s happening in your life too
- don’t call or email constantly – there needs to be a healthy distance
- ask what they’re getting involved in and what interests them so far – let them share their enthusiasm!
**Excerpts taken from Paper Clip Communications
Blog contact: Angela Muller
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